Happiness Does Not Stem From A Recurring Achievement, It Grows Along With the Absence of Desire
Of a personal lesson on how happiness should occur to myself.
Greed must be humanity's biggest fallacy. Greed derives one from a logical thought the same way it drives one to climb the tallest ivory tower with a promise of nothing more than an acknowledgement. However, when one is already climbing halfway through, they will realize they have everything to lose. They cannot bear to look down where their family awaits them to come home—down—unscratched, with or without their fingertip having touched the peak. They cannot bear to even consider the possibility of halting. As they rest on one of the protruded glistening bricks, they see no scenarios where they stop and feel satisfied. The sun might slow them down by inflicting their skin, the lightning might also strike, but they see no point in backing down unless it becomes the cause of their downfall.
When I mentioned “achievement” I specifically meant a position or an accomplishment that can only be acquired through competitions, the journey that, according to some local influential speakers, becomes a very definition of success. Forget not that it is also a sequence created by pervading capitalism and neo-liberalism. A competition that is often discriminative and layered with a great deal of interests of people in power; one that justifies oppression and violation of rights, especially toward vulnerable and minority groups. A system that dictates our values are equivalent to the number of competitions we have conquered.
When I mentioned “achievement” I am talking about my inability to stop putting myself in a competitive situation to accomplish an urgent purpose I have calculated beforehand, until it is gradually lost in progress and reduced to a mere pride or a means to prove something. Something, what exactly? I do not know. A child playing alone inside their large penthouse with the feeling of abandonment slowly creeping in because their parents are too busy to build an empire of money elsewhere.
A human's desire causes war. It causes bloodbath.
"Happiness is not about the achievement of pleasure (which is joy or satisfaction), but about the lack of desire. It arrives when you have no urge to feel differently. Happiness is the state you enter when you no longer want to change your state.”
— From “Atomic Habits” by James Clear
Despite my life-long awareness of living as if every day were my last day, my experience partaking in a chance to obtain scholarship this year taught me that happiness lies in knowing when to stop and feel enough. I picture happiness as having no desire simply because I find contentment in my every waking moment; in every road that life leads me to; in a chance that I take simply because it exists, and I have nothing to lose. There are nights I am still wide awake, thinking about all the poems by Mary Oliver I have read and the nature I want to become a part of—a picturesque life I convince myself to be ideal. A life I convince myself of cannot be mine unless I live a life where I am in possession of welfare first and foremost, which can be measured by the easiest currency: income. I want love and humility. I want my garden to be full of greenery. I call it Asian’s strict methods for the pursuit of education, but I suppose it is just me thinking of it as a reward instead of a choice to live my life.
“I would want a boat, if I wanted a boat, that bounded hard on waves, that didn’t know starboard from port and wouldn’t learn, that welcomed dolphins and headed straight for the whales, that, when rocks were close, would slide in for a touch or two, that wouldn’t keep land in sight and went fast, that leaped into the spray. What kind of life is it always to plan and do, to promise and finish, to wish for the near and the safe? Yes, by the heavens, if I wanted a boat I would want a boat I couldn’t steer.”
— From “If I Wanted a Boat” by Mary Oliver
Happiness should not lie in my capability to accomplish greater tasks. It gives me satisfaction, sure, but it also makes me yearn for more. More recognition, more motivation to meet people’s expectations, more countries to rule. Happiness blooms when I yield. That is the concept I know. That is a practice I have yet to prevail.
After having encountered failures more than I could count, I thought it would at least get easier. I thought I would finally settle as I find temporary peace and quietness after going through denial, anger, and acceptance. Until the next opportunity barges in. Until I get up and say, "What the hell," then follow the path that leads me to the next possible failure. Happiness lies in relishing my present and immortalizing my past, knowing that I left behind a collection of blissful memories I found in simplicity worth to reminisce. Happiness should not feel like it is carved in the future with a specific parameter. It should not depend on the amount of win streak I make when I clearly know I resent competitions.
Happiness should not feel like it is something worth drawing blood for. It should be in the form of a wild dandelion that grew on the side of the road I used to walk on when I came home after school. Happiness should not feel like it is something that I could only find after stepping over the body of my enemy instead of finding it on the festivity of four people circling a small kitchen table, passing over the meals as we talk about our respective day.
It is my biggest lesson to learn that my vision of futuristic happiness should not be at the expense of my own present.